All I crave for now is a a good read, a cup of nice aromatic coffee, a slab (not slice) of strawberry shortcake in a cosy cafe while i watch the world go by.

i don't know if i should laugh or cry, but it is becoming apparent to me that there is less reason for me to hang around.

this year's christmas sure sneaked up on us, and while everyone will be out having a merry time and feasting i will be spending a quiet time on my own - not that i mind. i don't quite feel the festive-ness of it all this year - have not been christmas gift shopping, have not seen the christmas lights and decor.

i'm just wondering - when it finally happens, to whom will i tell and hope they will understand?

I wish I could change things.

I wish that I was a better person. To be someone that didn't give you any worry or heartache.

But now I know what I need to do. I need to be selfish and get myself away from all this and live my life. I wonder how things will be like, especially after I broke your heart further tonight. The one time I decide to open my mouth in the last few weeks, I fear he may have heard the words I said when I didn't mean them. If anything were to happen to the family, I will then know it is me to blame.

For now, I only have a simple wish - for my tears and the pain I'm feeling to stop.

I hate how you make me feel.

How your words cut into me. Like a razor blade it cuts through my skin. The initial pain is easy to bear, and then suddenly, the pain escalates, and the blood breaks the surface.

I need help. I'm losing myself.

I cannot sleep, I regret choices I have made. I regret opening to you. Your words hurt.

No aim, no goal. I'm just trying my hardest to sane, really.

time for a change

My trip to Brisbane is getting closer and closer and boy am I excited!

Once again, I will not be doing all the touristy things while I am there, but I am thrilled to return to Brisbane and the Gold Coast. Taking in the familiar sights and sounds while toying with the idea of exploring new places.

I have also got something new going on. I have been wanting to this for a while now, but found it rather difficult to do without more ideas and a firm determination to stick with it.

Still nursing the sore and swollen ankle. It's been swollen for 2 weeks and a visit to the doctor earlier today reassured me that there is no major damage to me foot, I just need lots of rest.

New template to the blog! Yay! While it isn't original, I like it for its simplicity. Will do more in the next couple of weeks to tweak it to my liking. And hopefully you will see more regular posts with pictures.

Should be heading to bed right about now but I'm tempted to stay up and goof around online. Ah, the luxury of being unemployed I guess. Better enjoy this while I can!

I feel like a hermit crab, hiding in my shell.

It's been a while since I last logged into my blog or even looked at anyone else's to be precise. I haven't lost interest in blogging but have some issues in life that I know I need to think through and be certain about.

My priorities in life seemed to have changed alot from say, five years ago. Not only that, I feel like a shadow of my former self - I don't really take the initiative to meet up with friends, hardly ever (ok fine, I admit I never) log onto msn anymore, and neither do I start sms conversations with friends.

I'm starting to lose direction and am eager to find my footing once again and be confident about my dreams and goals.

For a while I have been thinking, thinking about the friends that I have drifted away from. Friends that I once considered close but now know for certain that I was pretty much fooling myself. No one's fault really, just time and distance and no effort on both parties to keep in touch.

I'm just fading away but perhaps that's a good thing. It will make the inevitable shift easier to some extent. To many things on my mind I can't focus and function properly.

Breathe. Just, breathe.

Sometimes I wonder what my blog will tell me if it can speak, what it would feel if it could feel.

After months of neglect I find the urge to write a little again. This space has been left untouched for so long for many reasons. Firstly, I find myself drained from work on a daily basis and have no want to write. Also, I noticed a trend - I tend to write most often when I am unhappy or something is bothering me. Nothing wrong with that I guess, since this is an outlet I can use to rant, but at the same time, just too much negative vibes.

Almost three months have past and it has been wonderful. I have met some really wonderful people,some of which have become friends. I think I may have found a little something I can consider as a potential livelihood, but I have to wait till I get the bigger picture.

Passion, I wonder if I have enough, or if I am lacking any.

I am making amends in some aspects of my life, and am focusing alot on family time and relations. The older I get, the more I seem to want to hold onto everything. But I have also learnt to let go of some, especially the things that I know are not worth holding on for in the long run. With regards to many things and issues, it is all a two-way street - things will never be smooth going if one party does not play its part.

I pick my battles, I make my sacrifices. I am determined to be a better person, not only to the people who love me, but also to myself. I need to give myself more - more time, more space, more happiness.

Four more months till I see the boy. Can't tell you how excited I am just thinking about it. He has been great, very supportive, very understanding. I feel very blessed.

At times I feel the urge to get my 'me time' and stay away from friends. But when I crave companionship, I can't seem to bring myself to call anyone either. This side of me, the side that enjoys and appreciate some quiet time, I wonder if it has always been a part of me that just remained hidden, or that I have toned down tremendously as the years go by.

Perhaps I was a little too keen on entering transit and now I have a good 90 minutes or so to wander around. I'm too lazy to take the sky train to T2 and T3, partially because I'm afraid I will lose track of time and running to the other end of T1 isn't something I would be interested in doing.

So here I am, pounding on the keyboard outside Spinelli, taking in the occasional aromatic scents that float by, getting my daily caffine dosage.

A month away isn't very long I guess, but it nevertheless made my mum a tad bit emotional last night. Guess mothers will always be mothers, and we will always be their little kids no matter how old we are.

Well off I go to sit somewhere and rot. Am looking forward to inflight entertainment!

Love you!

My dentist is a nice person, but I hate going for my check-ups.

My mobile and ICC bills are too much, now I owe my mum waaaay too much money.

Have not started packing! *panic*

Would love to have a really good night sleep with no form of disturbances.

Why hasn't anyone invented ice cream that helps you lose weight?!?!

In need of a really good cry.

Afraid of how things will turn out.

Wishes I had a million dollars to go lose myself in an adventure of unknown and excitement.

Is it time to mellow down and grow up?

Wonder what has happened to some friends.

Wants to stay longer than my month stay in Brisbane.

Supposed current life is carefree but heart and mind are heavy.

Sleepy. Sleepy. Think I need sleep.

I see a path leading to a rainbow. I'm slowly treading on the path but wonder, will I get to see and enjoy the sight of the rainbow up close?

The joys of the waiting game.




On another note - 3 weeks to Brisbane! yay!!!

Time. It changes everything doesn't it?

Perhaps my time Down Under changed me. Maybe it made me reflect on my life and the things and people that surround me.

I came home seeing some things from a different perspective. It's to be expected I guess, that with time I grow up and may tweak my opinion on certain issues.

It's just that I never really expected so much to change while I was gone. The level of self doubt, or feeling inferior and insecure increases. The realisation that I've never really had as many close friends as I thought I did heightens. My trust and reliance on friends who I've opened up to have been broken with some tiffs - big or small.

Everyone has skeletons to hide. And not everyone knows about them. It's a thing of our past, a thing that we can never change, and maybe things that have made us who we are today. To friends who question why you never knew my issues when we have known one another for so long, how long or how close our friendship is doesn't result in you knowing my whole life. It boils down to whether I am comfortable opening up to you. Reasons that will justify that? I don't know. Gut feeling I guess.

And then there are friends who obviously do not think with their heads. To tell me straight in my face that polytechnic students are cheap labour since he, a local uni student gets paid so much more than us at an internship. He also adds on by saying that I shouldn't put myself in a position (applying for service industry jobs) where the starting pay in so low. All this told to me numerous times in an outing despite me mentioning that is where my interest lies. And the final blow, to be happy to say this straight to my face that he should hang out more often with me as it makes his life so much better. The atrocity of such language and behaviour is beyond me, since he likes to announce how he is soon graduating with a degree and second upper class honours.

If you know me well, I am someone who goes beyond my needs to be there for my friends. Never really expecting anything or much in return. I try to not hurt my friends with statements that are blunt, or ones that will hit a sore spot. The last few years I have gotten enough smarting statements that I have learnt to turn a blind eye to. From a time when friends promised to help me solve an issue with a close friend of mine while I boarded my flight to Queensland, to realising no one from the group delivered their promise but got upset when I decided to hole myself up for a small time frame to deal with it, saying that I am being unfair to them since they have been on my side all the while. Statements made by a close friend which I don't know just came out wrongly or it was just insensitive. Saying that it was to be expected that I would have no one to explore the sights and sounds around Brisbane because I have a boyfriend, and that it was indeed silly of me to not travel around Australia when I was there. I think the worst is when a friend tells me that the boy needs to grow up more, so that he can answer to me about our lives and where it will head in a precise timeline. She who has met him only once, hardly knows him and says that. For all the times I have been by her side, through everything she has been through, I have never once said anything to upset her or talk about her partners in another light. But for her to say this, I felt offended. It almost felt like she disapproved of my choice in my partner, not that she does have a say in it.

I know I have many friends, many of which have now taken different paths in lives and we hardly meet. But we are still civil, polite and sometimes I am surprised as to how close we can be after 8 year hiatus. Take Snuffy for example, we met in rather interesting circumstances years ago, in 1998, 1999? And since 2006/2007 it has been a wonderful friendship that has bloomed because he is my Snuffy.

There are still friends I can rely on, to listen to me, to trust me and to sometimes give me the opportunity to shine. We take turns giving one another the right of way - from small things like dining decisions to knowing he/she understands me for everything that I am, it makes me feel like there is no pressure meeting up with them. No small talks where I am not involved, to feeling like I am not just being dragged along for the ride.

So therefore, I am starting with Operation Clean Up of my life. I have already deleted over a hundred contacts on my mobile phonebook and the next thing is to well, to re-evaluate my friends and the roles they play in my life.

This rant has been cooped up in my head for a long time. Many of these things I encountered a few months ago, and I have tried to hold back. I don't like conflicts with people who are meant to be friends so I never use the direct approach, but we'll see how long I can keep up with blogging as my source of venting.

After days of making my latest purchase, I finally got down to taking out my newest gadget from its box. I slowly tore off the flimsy sheets of plastic it was wrapped in and admired the newest of it. What am I talking about? Well well, it's my latest phone!

Image taken from http://jacob-communications.com/sonyericsson.aspx

It's not the latest phone model one can purchase, neither is in the front runner in style nor size. But something about the c905 attracted me to it, like a moth to a flame. For months I have been eyeing the very phone model, waiting for the price to fall. And the day I could finally get it, I was torn between two colours which neither were my choices. Too bad that Singtel only had the black and silver ones left in their shops, but I guess I shouldn't complain since I now am a proud owner of a c905!

I've heard from some friends that their friends have issues with the phone, that the phone system will hang after a while. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that nothing happens to this baby of mine.

The functions are plentiful and I have yet to explore all of them, not that I will use most of them on a day to day basis. I adore the flat keypad that still has yet to pose as a problem for me and my fat fingers, and you have got to admire the fact that it has a built-on 8.1 megapixels camera. With functions such as face detection, this camera is now miles ahead of my current Sony point and shoot.

Well, off I go to talk to the boy. Now I just have to think of a name for my new phone...

Two months since I last penned anything, let alone my thoughts here on this blog.

In that time frame, I went away to Brisbane on an impulse (with the really cheap airfare playing a very important factor), spent two weeks with the boy and came back feeling happier.

I also had the opportunity to meet up with a friend that has been always too busy to get together with. A decade long friendship still needs work, but I love how he manages to see me for me, and to know me, understand me and try and help me without belittling me.

I've been trying to make more time to meet friends, especially time is something that I have so much in abundance in recent months.

The issue of finding a job is still present, but the excitement and aggression in the search becomes less pressing with each passing day. I have not taken the time to hole myself up for a few days to firmly decide what I want to do, but I know that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I may not get a full-time job at all for the rest of the year. And honestly, I have to say that I am happy and being very appreciative for that. Without having to apply for leave, I get to travel, rest, relax and meet up with friends without any worry about getting to work refreshed and energised the next day. I get to meet up and treasure the time with family and loved ones, particularly someone dear whose time may be running out. True, I am restricted in my everyday life and spending by the lack of a constant income, but I will never want to trade all this leisure time and last minute outings for that.

Anyway, I met up with a group of friends that I have not have the chance to catch up with in the last 4 years. Another impromptu invite, the group only realised in the hours before the dinner appointment that I was indeed back on this tiny red dot for good. The meet up though short, was fantastic. But I will blog more about it when I get the pictures.

And while I will be ending here, I am extremely happy for another reason! Want to know why? Wait for my next entry! =)

I came online, logged in and wrote a rather lengthy entry about the last few months. Then I thought about it and deleted it without any hesitation.

Perhaps the fear of realising what I write may very well be true is scaring the hell out of me.

The end of this chapter and the start of a new one

So it's over. I toiled through those 2 years in a degree I did not set out doing when I flew to Brisbane.

Looking back, time certainly did fly by really quickly. There are things I wish I could have done differently, but every single choice and action I made, made me who I am today.

So the ceremony is over and I have received my very precious and valuable certificate. Searching for a summer job has been difficult since I couldn't start till recently. The trip with the family in BNE has took its beating on me, wearing me down being in such close proximity of people I have not lived with for the last 2 years.

Funny how my first job upon graduating maybe a paper delivery one. Not complaining. I hope I do get it so I do get some money and do something productive with my life. Something is better than nothing.

But the peek into the future seems bleak for the moment. I for one have no idea what job it is I want to do specifically. It can be frustrating knowing my peers have got jobs, already in jobs and certain of what they want and have it. I'm not expecting to be spoon fed job offers, but the search online has started a few months back and either I'm not looking in the right places or there is nothing I am qualified for.

The worse part of it is I know I have nothing outstanding to offer to companies. I have no flair in writing, I do not have the experience to be in the service industry from a degree holder's level. Maybe I need to spend the year working for free to gain the experience and do courses to better myself.

There have been times I wish I was in the shoes of friends. They who are either very blessed and can work towards what they want, and those who well, have the luck to just be at the right place at the right time.

For now, I guess I will let it all be in the wind. I will continue searching without any clear direction and pray that I will find my way soon.

The next best thing to knowing that you are done with a course is how you can now throw every single scrap of paper you have - lecture notes, course profile, scribbles of assignments and what not into the bin and suddenly, you see that much more of your work table.

*smile*

One of the things that I will miss about being in Australia is the amazing strawberries one can enjoy during its season.

I know that not many people appreciate this little delights (Tom included), but they are just so good.

It is almost the end of the berry season but the punnet I purchased at Market Day earlier are just so sweet and juicy.

The best part of it all, they have this fantastic fresh fragrant smell that just brightens up my day.

This berries are best eaten by themselves for any cream and/or sugar will just mask their natural sweetness.

Sigh, I don't think that I can ever look are strawberries in Singapore's supermarkets the same way again.

Just realised that I wrote the entire entry in one line pars. Damn, this 'occupational hazard'.

My mid-semester break went by in a flash. Made me wonder what on earth did I do with my very last mid-sem break before the final stretch of uni.

Coming back to college was really hard. A week of sleep, read and eats was very hard to tear myself away from. This six weeks will be pretty hellish, especially this coming two weeks where I have four submissions due.

I wished I had more chances for fun like the weekend that just passed. Not the kind of go-out-and-chill fun, but silly-no-expenses-paid fun. Tom and I shared several funny moments playing scissors paper rock like we were back in school. I admit, it seems childish but I have never had such carefree fun in a while.

The start of a new week. It's been a good weekend spent resting.

Last week I went about doing a story for my production course and we covered one about Meals on Wheels here in Australia. To cut the long story short, I found myself getting emotional while filming the interview. Guess journalism especially those human interest isn't really my thing.

Spent a good part of Thursday talking to Ryna and Candice online. Thank goodness for them. Their frank opinion and understanding of me helped give me insight to what should be my next step.

My graduation ceremony is now slightly less than three months to go. Excitement but with nothing decided it is a little scary.

The recent few days and maybe weeks have been spent trying to be online more often. Chats with close friends make me a tad bit homesick.

The boy just got a new game for the Wii, time to run over to check it out!

Love you all!

Some of you may know that I have been a really lucky girl this year. I got an all-in-one present (birthday, christmas, graduation combined), a Nikon DSLR, the D80 to be precise.

Now when I was deciding about it earlier in the year I was contemplating the D80 which is a model that is 2 years old, with waiting it out for a new model that was rumored to be released later in the year. But with the Nikon anniversary sale, the D80 came in a bundle package that my friends fond of photography recommended.

Yesterday I found out that the new DSLR by Nikon was released last week! The D90 sounds impressive, especially with the video mode. Similar dimensions and functions to that of my baby, the D90 can take photos with an amazing 12.3 mega-pixels! Very impressive.

I couldn't find a price on the website, perhaps it's too new. But while part of me was wishing I had a chance to look at this hottie before deciding on my gift I am kind of glad I did get the D80. It may not have the video function, but I guess that is something I don't want to have in my DSLR. I would rather get a proper handycam if I wanted though Nikon boasts that the D90 can film at 24 frames per second which is really good.

I don't really know why I am blogging this. I guess I needed to type. Type something not related to work, to journalism for the moment. Something not entirely an issue, not an update. But just to let my train of thoughts flow.

All in all, I'm glad I got my D80. Sure it isn't the latest but for the price I know I got a good deal. Plus it has been known to be one of the better models Nikon has for people who are from entry level and want to use their DSLR in the long run.

Now all I need is time, to understand my baby better, to know how to use it properly to justify my gift. Heh.

In other news, the real baby, Tom has turned 21 at the stroke of midnight! I know he doesnt read this much (in fact maybe not at all!) but just in case, happy birthday sweetheart!

I'm thinking of turning back to Him. To seek some form of peace with Him and walk side by side with Him. It seems like another very difficult decision to make since I have sidetracked for so many years. I guess tiny steps will do for now. I'm just glad that my faith in him, trust and believe has never faltered, so it may not be that bad after all!